Sunday, October 16, 2011

face to face with ghosts of alex past.

today i ran into a few familiar friends; anxiety, fear and regret. I was at a gathering earlier in the evening, walked in late, plunged into my chair and let out a heavy sigh, i was exhausted, a long day at work afforded me this oppurtunity. I listened to a few friends chatter while i sat amongst the crowd in an unsuspecting fashion. Just as i got comfortable, she walked in front of the crowd and my stomach turned itself into a knot tying seminar for the nauticaly challenged. I was better than this, it's been four months and no sight of her on my radar, i start to reflect a tad in my spare time and bam! she pops up like a jehova's witness in an unwelcome fashion at my front door. Really? life has a tendency to make a fool out of you apparently, because it has spared me no unwelcome shame up unto this point in my life. So after i sat there writhing with internal agony, i made the decision to talk to her,god it was so painfull. Have you ever had one of those moments of odd conversation with people who played in important role in your life at some point?? you know, the ones where you blatantly ignore the significant ammount of emotional bondage between each other and ask instead how the wife and kids are doing etc??? what a cop out. I hate when you are faced with a truth about yourself that you have been struggling to let sink in for so long and then poof, magically it appears in your face, only to act is if you don't exist. i know thats vague but that's the only way i can articulate it. By the time we got passed the updates on family and friends, we stood there face to face with what we had danced arround the whole conversation, at this point we stare at each other and say "so....uhh...yeah, ummmm....i got to go....ummm" ya know just waiting for something to happen, but at the same time praying that it doesn't. Fuck i thought i was better than this, she tied me up in knots tonight. For the first time in alot of months i came face to face with what i have been running from, fucking from and writing away from for so long......HER. so what now, i'm supposed to forget about her right??? move on to the next??? you always remember the first untill you forget the last, right??? so is it time for me to move on??? or should i stay jaded and hibernate in a shell of bitterness and fear that i might get hurt and fuck things up again??? a wise man once said, "practice makes perfect", i can tell you i cant get much practice at relationships not being in one. So i guess i should start looking....but not looking....what a conundrum. I am so scared of that feeling, my stomach in knots, the accelerated heartbeat and the mental anguish that comes with the failure to succesfully connect with someone, i just can't go through it again, too painfull. at the end of the day, she got me thinking, she got me thinking about me. She got me thinking about why i feel the way i do and what might be the simple issue that separates me from reality and sanity. this is good, but with most things i have a tendency beat the life out of the issue untill there is nothing left to beat, then im angry, then i failed and then, again, i am lost. whether or not this may or may not happen there seems to exist a correlation between me being lost and discovering the truth. So i will lock in my safety rail keep my hands inside the seat compartment at all times and get ready for the roller coaster ride, because i know at the end i'll get off and continue my tour of the amusement park, ride the tea cups, jump in the bouncy castles and savor every moment i get running arround in this crazy, uncertain, ever eventfull, fucked up place that we call earth.....

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