Sunday, October 16, 2011

face to face with ghosts of alex past.

today i ran into a few familiar friends; anxiety, fear and regret. I was at a gathering earlier in the evening, walked in late, plunged into my chair and let out a heavy sigh, i was exhausted, a long day at work afforded me this oppurtunity. I listened to a few friends chatter while i sat amongst the crowd in an unsuspecting fashion. Just as i got comfortable, she walked in front of the crowd and my stomach turned itself into a knot tying seminar for the nauticaly challenged. I was better than this, it's been four months and no sight of her on my radar, i start to reflect a tad in my spare time and bam! she pops up like a jehova's witness in an unwelcome fashion at my front door. Really? life has a tendency to make a fool out of you apparently, because it has spared me no unwelcome shame up unto this point in my life. So after i sat there writhing with internal agony, i made the decision to talk to her,god it was so painfull. Have you ever had one of those moments of odd conversation with people who played in important role in your life at some point?? you know, the ones where you blatantly ignore the significant ammount of emotional bondage between each other and ask instead how the wife and kids are doing etc??? what a cop out. I hate when you are faced with a truth about yourself that you have been struggling to let sink in for so long and then poof, magically it appears in your face, only to act is if you don't exist. i know thats vague but that's the only way i can articulate it. By the time we got passed the updates on family and friends, we stood there face to face with what we had danced arround the whole conversation, at this point we stare at each other and say "so....uhh...yeah, ummmm....i got to go....ummm" ya know just waiting for something to happen, but at the same time praying that it doesn't. Fuck i thought i was better than this, she tied me up in knots tonight. For the first time in alot of months i came face to face with what i have been running from, fucking from and writing away from for so long......HER. so what now, i'm supposed to forget about her right??? move on to the next??? you always remember the first untill you forget the last, right??? so is it time for me to move on??? or should i stay jaded and hibernate in a shell of bitterness and fear that i might get hurt and fuck things up again??? a wise man once said, "practice makes perfect", i can tell you i cant get much practice at relationships not being in one. So i guess i should start looking....but not looking....what a conundrum. I am so scared of that feeling, my stomach in knots, the accelerated heartbeat and the mental anguish that comes with the failure to succesfully connect with someone, i just can't go through it again, too painfull. at the end of the day, she got me thinking, she got me thinking about me. She got me thinking about why i feel the way i do and what might be the simple issue that separates me from reality and sanity. this is good, but with most things i have a tendency beat the life out of the issue untill there is nothing left to beat, then im angry, then i failed and then, again, i am lost. whether or not this may or may not happen there seems to exist a correlation between me being lost and discovering the truth. So i will lock in my safety rail keep my hands inside the seat compartment at all times and get ready for the roller coaster ride, because i know at the end i'll get off and continue my tour of the amusement park, ride the tea cups, jump in the bouncy castles and savor every moment i get running arround in this crazy, uncertain, ever eventfull, fucked up place that we call earth.....

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

i wrote a letter to a friend today

i wrote a letter to a friend today, a friend who currently sits amongst a seething cauldron of despair one which i could not even begin to fathom, my friend took someone elses life. Somewhere between midnight and 5am one night, a car carrying one passenger(my friend), rear ended another driver and sent him careening of the side of a high rise bridge into the water, this man was later pronounced dead upon impact. Imagine that you were just merrily driving along like my friend, maybe take focus off the road for a second, then in a flash your life changes forever. Immediately after all of this you are are thrown in jail for more than a year to sit with the fate of this very grave and life altering experience. No escape, no distractions, just you and the relentless agony of depression, fear and hopelesness, all of this plus an absolute uncertainty of when it will end, i could not imagine folks. I wrote a letter to a friend today, and what i wrote was not important, the only important details in all of it is that i wrote it, i care. It is extremely hard to carry much concern for anything or anyone, especially in a world where people tell you they care yet the actions they take and the way in which they carry themselves, speak to quite the contrary, fuck them. I can't blame them entirely though. In a world with gucci shoes, successful and unsuccessful, rich parents, poor parents, the privleged and underprivleged these folks are only acting according to blueprint they were given, whether these folks are to blame or not, the truth is at there disposal.The other night i went out with three, "so called friends" and kept trying to convince myself i was having a good time, but at the end of the affair the sharade was up, i hated all of these people. Talk of new diet kicks, superset chest exercises and douchebaggery filled the air and made me want to cast my my dinner into the floorboard of the car. it seems no matter how hard i try to compromise my personal integral boundaries and try to cut people some slack, i just cant seem to find anyone who i genuinely give a shit about. and the ones who i thought could possibly be somewhat tolerable wind up being, clingy, pretentious looney tunes. I can tell you that the letter i wrote today was written to a friend. someone who i fished with, got high with, laughed with and grew up with for the latter part of my life and someone i am truly concerned about, no matter how large of a gap time puts between people, it all come full circle in the end, and it seems that no matter how long or far away you get with some people, friendship never fades, it seems time is the greatest foe of relationships and for those that endure this test, these are to be cherished.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

the fall of superman......

evrything so certain yesterday, leave, go take care of the ones you love and prosper, right??? today it seems to be a much more sad and puzzling picture than what i thought it was. He is more or less delusional, lost and more insane than i could ever fathom. the man with the "S" on his chest is in a seeming freefall from the sharp cliffs of reality, and i have to say it is extremely disheartening to stand by and watch. His wife is confused and in total disarray, and understandably so, he has lost it completely. my father is a good man, he has a heart of gold and the sharp tact of a washington politician, but even the best suffer at the hands of a mind bent on self destruction. It pains me to see this unfold before my eyes, as if my life wasn't already one big bucket of confusion, i get tossed another ingredient to go into my newest recipe of impending neurosis. man this is a strange fucking life and it all makes no sense, i realize part of life is to grow old and watch the ones you love fall to pieces while trying to keep it together yourself,but now? what a balancing act. But to be realistic, i knew all of this was coming long before i decided to act like i didn't. My family, my father and my puzzling existence all just kind of confirm the imminent for the most part, and it's sad and it sucks, and i kind of want to go to a little known aboriginal village in brazil and not surface for many years,but thats just too much work. fuck life is exhausting, but we play with the hand were dealt, like it or not, this is reality and it must be embraced. so needless to say i want to jump on a plane and fly far, far away from the rest of the world and find a safe haven in the arms of a 5'5 ish to 5'10ish brunette who will stroke my head and tell my stupid little ass, "it's gonna be ok". So i think i might leave soon, go see some new people and discover the same people exist everywhere. maybe watch dreams of little brunettes dancing in my head crumble as i realize my frustrations are an extention of a bigger problem i'm trying to escape. that problem my friends, is reality, what a bitch. nonetheless sometimes i just wish i had someone i can actually stand, by my side going through this together with me, that person was my dad. but now it seems my dream team in the arena of life is slowly dwindling down to me. i'm slowly losing my father, and i think for good...but in the end, i have been used to being on my own team facing the world on my own accord, for thats what i do best, i other than the obvious deterioration of my superhero's physical and mental condition, the song remains the same....confusion, intrigue, frustration and an ever puzzling feeling i have looking at the world arround me...whatever, right??? mozoltov! very fitting considering it is the jewish new year, which is great but i wish i could be celebrating the holiday i like to call "alex gets a new life, family and friends that actually mean something to him"....oh well theres always next year right??? everyone have a wonderfull day.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

something i wrote awhile ago...found it today on my comp and thought, why not post it?

What do we do when were lonely? Do we call a friend to share our discomfort? Do we reluctantly make ourselves busy with insignificant tasks to take our mind off reality?? When it comes to loneliness we have tons of options, things we can do to substitute our feeling of misery for a sense of purposeful belonging, so should we act on them? It seems to me that the reality of a lonely existence is quite possibly one of the toughest realities to accept. If I think about the times I have experienced loneliness I never remember looking eye to eye with this troubling foe, ready to experience all it has to offer. There are times in my life when loneliness does not define strongly enough, my emotions. When I am alone with this demon, it seems as if I am a man a world apart from the species that surround me, almost as if I am static energy floating amongst a bright vivid mass that I have no place in. I find it funny how most people can connect with the world around them, intermingle socially, partake enthusiastically and tolerate others with seeming flawlessness, it absolutely amazes me, honestly it makes me jealous. There are times when I look up to the sky and ask god what I’m supposed to do in this jacked up crazy fucking world, and I never get any closer to finding an answer. Like when I am trying to write and my roommates talk as if miles separate us, it fucking pains me. Loneliness is a feeling to be embraced, such as happiness, joy etc. It is a tremendous feat to embrace loneliness, for to embrace loneliness is to embrace the lack of control we have over our feelings, out true dilemma in power. To embrace loneliness is not to run from it, not to do house chores to avoid it’s dismal consequences, or to call our friends as human shields to deflect its inescapable ammunition. No, to embrace loneliness is to comprehend the futility of our own perspective, to understand and familiarize ourselves with our worst demons, it is to understand we must face our loneliness toe to toe.