Wednesday, August 31, 2011

ghosts of places past, friends and mentors that crossed paths with again here in morehead....

tonight was odd. tonight i met with two people from my past that played equally opposite roles in my life, one a father figure, the other a middle school first kiss. i walked into a "wings" today, and for those of you who are not familiar with "wings" it is a shitty beach store with a plan to take over the world, well the touristy beach world anyway. at any rate i walked into this shitty store today with my boss, who came in hopes of finding a cheesy onsie for his granddaughter that probably said something to the effect of, "my parents obviously hate me because they bought me this gay onsie". with all opinions of attire aside, i was not excited to be there, but neither did i expect to find what i found there. i tooled arround this horrible beach store and looked at all the awfully overexagerated tourist gear; pink, lime green, stupid trinkets made in china etc. and i couldn't help but contemplate how much it sucked to be in this place. (hopefully i got my point across). nevertheless i walked arround and read stupid t-shirts with catchy one liners, ya know like the ones that say, "Ladies love the cock" and below the clever inscription is a rooster, or cock,so clever, not really. so after reading this my anxiety to leave doubled when i caught the eye of a tall russian girl who stood inconspicuosly by the changing rooms, i traded eyes a few times and convinced myself that i should relax and maybe read some more awesome shirts. by this time all of my co-workers were standing arround pointing at the t-shirts like a bunch of douchey looky loo's who obviously hadn't a nodding aquiantence with creativity whatsoever, "ooohh that ones cool,it says i am an alcoholic simpleton, who never grew up! i want that one!" jesus, i thought, please help me, and them! i wandered slowly away from them and made my way into a middle aisle where a familiar face caught my eye, realizing my worst fears were confirmed(i ran into someone from high school), i had to say something, i was to desperate for a companion at this point who was not gauking over shirts that basically said i'm a giant douchebag across them, and she was the escape i was looking for(and yes i said she).i looked at her with a crooked face, i could tell she was uncomfortable and she didn't recognize me, which only compounded my nervousness. but lucky for me i am an expert at looking like a cool, confident, in control type of guy(bullshit). so what i really did was stumble over my words a few times and cracked stupid jokes untill i saw a smile crack, then i knew i could breathe. she was pretty, no doubt, it was obvious that alot had changed since middle school, she was a woman and i liked that. after the awkwardness subsided a bit, we tried to connect the dots between us and the past, it helped that she was nervous too, it helped me feel a little more human. i asked her what she was doing tonight and she said nothing, which was great because i was in need of a break from the douchey t-shirt club, we exchanged numbers and we walked out. i felt great. it has been three days in this shithole and nothing cool has happened, then she came along and flipped it. i remember her being a loud and outspoken confident girl when we were younger but when we sat outside for coffee i saw a completely different woman. she was simple, relaxed and very carefree, she was real. after my fassad wore down i couldn't help but think how attracted to this girl i actually was, she was gorgeous, a beautiful face and a smile that could light up a room, if she would only let it. we shared a quick kiss goodnight and i was on my marry way, i feel like such a nancy because at one point i remember stopping and taking a breath and thinking about how nice and wonderfully nostalgic it all was, i had a goodnight. amongst other things i had the oppurtunity to meet with a man who played in integral part of my life at one point, this was great. this man did alot for me and i am forever indebted to him for all he put into trying to help me, i am so glad i saw you, and as it was before, he remains a great man. i had a wonderfull evening, my only wish is that i could have enjoyed it longer and had more awareness to appreciate the beauty of it all. a nice girl, a great influential man and the ability to express my innermost thoughts on a javascript, as they say in mastercard commercials, priceless. thank you morehead city, it seems that a shithole like this is is capable of making a shit head like me happy.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

shitty hotel, work...and returning to a place of past fuck ups....

i sit here in this very lonely and desolate holiday inn, with unnatractive desk assistants and annoying work associates,i cant help but feel trapped. i am not used to spending time out of town, and i am definetly not used to spending days on end with people i work with out of town, this is not my ideal situation. moments ago i sat in a hotel room with three dudes, (most of them people i could not stand being seen in public with)talking about how much they like this person and how much they dislike this person, yadda fucking yadda. all i could do for most of the day is try to contrive some sort of escape from these creatures who i am seemingly stuck with for the next three days. i could not find an escape, this was discouraging. the next three days i will work with these people, sleep with these people and eat with these people and frankly i am not to excited about partaking in any of theses three activities, with these people. most people who "really know me" which is few, and that includes myself, know that i cant stand being arround people for elongated periods of time, i'm just a machine not built for this kind of work. most of the time it is important for the sake of myself and for the sake of others that i have some sort of escape route readily available, if i don't, things could get ugly. amongst other things i found myself ennamered with the fact that i'm on this "business trip" (god that makes me feel so fucking important) i am a new man that has ventured into his old stomping grounds, it almost seems i have something to prove, a new flag i must plant in the ruins of my sordid past. I must fuck everything that moves, conquest every aspect of coolness and run for governor before i leave. if i don't i feel it would be a total loss. it's funny when you go back to a place where you were such a big loser in your past life, and now refreshed with a new attitude you must prove to everyone else and yourself included, that you are now "the shit". look, to be honest i am feeling quite uninspired to write these evening, i feel like i am almost writing for the sake of getting words out of my head. i sit here in this shitty hotel writing in a shitty lobby and i look back over the past few lines and start to realize that i should stop writing out of fear that the rest of what i write will be a bunch of manufactured bullshit that is written for the sake that i can say i wrote something. this is sad but i must write good or bad, because i must acclimate myself more with writing the truth even when it does not flow naturally from my fingertips. i have so many walls that block me off from the truth. it seems that i discover another one each time i write, some sort of obstruction that keeps me from tapping into the honest, uninhibited nature that propels the meaning behind every word i write. i want to get out of this shitty place, i don't like the people and i don't want to be here. one thing that i have noticed is how much i truly miss home, i want to be in charleston. this is odd considering that i ran recklessly away from every place i tried to make home. coming back to this place makes me realize how fortunate i was to get shipped out of here in a reluctant fashion. and yes i mean reluctantly as in, family intervention, drug rehab, etc. at any rate, it was as if i expected a grand homecoming, i expected everyone to see my business shirt wearing pleated pants'd ass and drop to there knees in worship! because you see before i left this place, i had broken into several homes, stolen money from "so called friends" and ate vicodin untill my face fell off. so, what gives? i am a walking lazarus act! why is noone impressed? i am so fucking neurotic, its sad. there is a reason i left this place and it seems that my visit here has somewhat reinforced that fact. i am not excited, not overjoyed nor do i wish to return here after my lovely visit. this place is a shithole, bad memories, bad people and a whole lot of things that i care little about dredging up. i lost myself here and it seems that returning here has unlocked the reason why i left in the first place, to find myself.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

"punctuation"

i seem to be lost this time, really lost. i never felt apart of the wagon,i was never one for primitive uncomfortable, early pioneer types of transport, nor was i ever big on doing what was popular, i tried and it never worked for me. i've fell off big time now though, if i once thought that i was alone in this world at some point, that feeling is left in the dust and has been replaced with a complete disconnect between me and everyone else. i am not special, nor am i any better than most, but it seems that my very acknowledgement of that fact sets me apart from the status quo, i don't enjoy it out here,it gets lonely. i have completely stripped myself down to bare bone and soul only to find that this bare uninhibited nature only make my interactions that much more strange. i am not equipped to handle this world like everyone else is, i missed the bus, was late for school and i never graduated, because of this, i stand alone most days. at the same time by virtue of my complete and utter innability to embrace this world that everyone so seemingly did with ease, i found myself. i've found that i belong in the shadows, i cannot handle being in the spotlight of anyones perception,channels are broken, lines of communication are all but open. someday this mellowdramtic man who writes these disgustingly depressing dittie's will find someone in which he can share his deepest posessions, his mind, body and somewhat delapedated soul with, be it man or woman, friend or not i will cease to be lonely on this planet. the divine realm exists, i have no doubt of this in my heart, but what i do doubt is the existence of the divine realm amongst the realm of the sleeping. i will continue to stagger and stumble through this life with one purpose in mind and that purpose is to see god, anything else in the meantime will be dealt with accordingly. for friends and enemies i must care little of whether i make them or not, for they are distractions intended to steal my focus away from the instructions. i am tired of trying to make sense of this world. these people, this place and myself have no logical or reasonable explanation, and my belief is that they will cease to untill my purpose is shifted away from these distractions. i find some that seem to understand but they don't seem to have the same nodding familiararity with insanity that i do, which is fine because if everyone was as insane as i, i think the streets would be filled with more bodies and the internet would be jam packed with more stupid little blogs about "how a guy just doesn't get this fucking world", and noone needs that. my time here is short, i will be in a box quicker than i can pinpoint the one in which i originated from. some girl made a remark in regards to life and proper puntctuation or some shit like that the other night, i suppose something to do with the end being an exclamation point, you know as in hope that there will be the big bang, the answer, the excalmatory conclusion that sums it all up, i humored her, and agreed with her silly little metaphorical genious, which i'm sure was experience related back to her time in academia, which apparently aided in her fancy little construction of this gay metaphor. punctuation is for bitches. not in a literal sense because i would obviously be a hipocritical doucheag if i meant such a thing. what i mean is that so many people are hung up on the punctuation of life, a period here,an exclamation mark here to denote some sort of certainty in a place and time, NOTHING IS CERTAIN. my punctuation from the beggining to the end will be a big fucking question mark, i hold on to no hope that my life will or will not end in a certain way, i am not safe. when i die i want my headstone to say "here lies alex, he didn't know shit.......questionmark". my life matters little, from what i can see god hates most of us, but he has mercy on us all. with that being said i'm really starting to get curious when thats gonna stop. i suppose the day that it does, my punctuational fate will be that much more clear, but even then it would be awfull hard to decide which mark i want to put at the end, the dead usually don't have much of an afterthought. so i'm jumping ship, going rogue like columbus up in this bitch, i'm exploring a new world with little hope of finding companionship or understanding, but with great hope of seeing what the divine universe has in store, i guess what that means, is that i am ready to die, fuck i'm like thirty years ahead of the life cycle!!! take that phsycology!!! i care little about a job or a life or a woman or companionship, for i have found that this human world offers little that appeals to me, what i care about i cant even fathom, nor would i understand it if god himself were to explain it to me. regardless, i stay hopefull. so i'm off to sleep to dream big and think small, if i wake up tommorrow i could care less, for trecking through the human world is the most hellish treck i can imagine undertaking.

been a few day's......appologies, stress and confusion.......

first off i would like to start out by saying that it has been a few day's and i am a tad antsy and a bit desperate to write some shit down. first of all a couple weeks ago i wrote a blog about my trip to morris island and my new job etc.,apparently i pissed a few people off. first of all i would like to appologize to those whom i may have offended, i really have no concept of filtration when it comes to human boundary, this blog is my release, therefore my honesty is spewed with little tact. i would like to thank the person that e-mailed me this week and brought to light my unreasonable behavior,after i recieved this e-mail i went back and re-read the blog and was astonished at how offensive i was, i am an offensive person, it sucks because in my sincere attempts to be honest and forthrite, i hurt many peoples feelings, i've found this to be a frequent occurence. i love to write and speak my mind, but not always for the sake of being heard but most of the time for the sake of freedom. in this world of human emotion and mental fragility it is important for me to remember what i say, and how it might come accross to others. i am starting to find out that this "no holds barred" honesty honesty gig is starting to hurt alot of peoples feelings and for that, i am sorry. it seems i have no concept of consideration for others, these are the dark day's, my body wears down and my mental's get foggy, willingness ceases to exist, i am confused. it seems that life is always one of two things, extremely dark or refreshingly bright, no inbetween. some day's i wonder if the next will cease to exist, lost and broken i am confused at how my body will carry me through another day. to those i have offended i am sorry, this is my release, my only escape from me and sometimes my only escape from you. sometimes i may say things that are offensive but i can tell you i care, i feel the pain when i hurt somebody else, i don't like it. there will be times when i fail to please everybody but somewhere i can find space to not offend most. i write with an open mind, thoughts flow out onto this script with little thought or resistance, and my freedom is dictated by the very lack of limitations that i put on the lobes of my brain, but what i must learn is that in the process of freeing myself i must not bind others with the ties of anger, cynicism and contempt. with that being said, my limted interpretations about life are exactly that, limited. i will always keep people that i write about anonymously protected, but this is my inner sanctum, my deepest channel of release, and i will try my best not to bring down others in my attempt to free myself. thank you.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

agent x, the man who wants me to write his shitty memoir.....

Today i called a man, whos was a self-proclaimed "deep cover" operative within the realm of political puppeteering, a real "golden eye" 007 type, so he say's. the man i called today, or agent x as i would like to call him, is interested in having someone write a novel recounting his secretive and covert lifestyle, mostly spent in hiding from "big brother". this kind of sounds like a crock of shit to me but whether it is or not,i can tell you it would make one hell of a story. it pains me to ponder why this man would find my crock of shit writing capabilities as suitable for a novel on an agent in hiding, what the fuck right?? at any rate, apparently the gentlemen liked my most recent and shitty story about a guy named mitch. this gentlemans exact words were "I like your style" and we should talk more. this followed with an incoherent and rambling brief history of his life that i was apparently i was supposed to paw over. this guys story seems interesting but i am trying not to get my hopes up, things like this just don't fall in the lap of some inexperienced blog and shitty possible novel writer. i am just thinking about blowing this guy off all together and continuing to work on my man mitch, who seems to get more and more like myself every time i write, yet at the same time he is nothing like me at all. at any rate i'll keep sipping my coffee out of a nifty strabucks "beatnick" style mug and penning out these shitty blogs and i am sure the rest will work out if i just keep penning away on a daily basis. with that being said i hope to move forward with this guy, maybe then i could actually embrace my passion for the craft, and do exactly what i've always wanted to. peace out my ninjas, fight the good fight!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

a true loss

i thought about her today. it's crazy because it seems that every time my life shows some semblence of so called normalcy she always comes to mind. i wonder what she's doing, i wonder who she's fucking, i wonder how big of a douchebag he is and of course i wish i could figure it out so i could tell her how much of a douchebag he is. getting over someone is hard. for most people the time between relationships is so short that most never get time to actually come to terms with there loss. the death of a serious relationship is kind of like the true death of a close family member. you spend so much time getting to know this person and then all of the sudden one day the magic stops it's over, they are dead to you and you are dead to them and so on,that kind of sucks.  and after you go your seperate ways there is generally no seeing each other or talking to each other or acknowledgement that either of you exist in each others world. it's funny because the so "called stages of loss" are the same. first you have denial, bargaining and eventually (for some) you have acceptance. this can be a seriously difficult period after the end of a serious relationship, it's kind of a radical change to go from shopping together at wal-mart to purposely ignore each others existence. i have not fully embraced my loss yet, it seems obvious .i feel like someone has died in my life. there are times when i don't think about her at all and there are times when i do but i know there is nothing i can do to change the fact that things didn't work, these times can be most difficult because i can subtlely twist my rationale in favor of the possibility. i know for a fact that ship has sailed and I accept it, but the hardest part for me to understand is what next??? i am pretty much convinced that i will never find a female that is capable of handleing the odd, assholish, sadistic, self-indulgent, indecisive and closed off person i am, sometimes i am just not sure if i am capable of truly liking anyone, that could be a possibility as well. it sucks to lose somebody close to you, it sucks even worse when you know you are incapable of doing anything about it, we can convince ourselves that we have moved on and accepted things as they are, but it is hard to change that which has changed the you. i am thinking about her tonight, this frustrates me, so does she.if i never let go of her i cannot be free. will I have to live without? i am not sure but i guess the difference between moving on and not moving on is accepting the very fact that i might just have to.

Monday, August 22, 2011

the frustrations of "Fishing".....(for women)

the casual chase begins with the faintest glimmer of intrigue. she says one thing you say another and next thing you know you are ready to jump her like a set of Olympic high hurdles. so naturally you drop hints, bring your "a" game and even throw in subtle,yet forward signs of seductive vernacular all in hopes of a bite. I'm not sure if any of you folks have ever been fishing, but i have. and with my experience i can paint an interesting, yet comparative analogy that relates to my story. so, imagine you are on a lake, the water is crystal clear and there are no guessing games in regards to the whereabouts of the fish. all of the conditions seem to be perfect to haul in that lunker of a fish you can tell all your friends about. so easy in a sense it's like "shooting fish in a barrel" (fuck im clever). but as you stand directly over the fish and drop your line in the water with your " i'llcatchamotherfuckinfish super bait", the fish seems to be uninterested. i mean clear water, "fishfuckinwhatever superbait" and the utmost tactical advantage over this amphibious creature and she still wont bite, this is some bullshit. i know that there is nothing more frustrating than having the best bait, the best conditions only to come out of the deal skunked, this does not sit well with me.  but of course if you were the host of extreme fishing on the discovery channel you could just jump out of a helicopter and catch a fish with your bare hands( that shit is real! you tube it!) anyway, this would be a sensible solution to my problem, but i think they call that rape these day's. so if i cant jump on the fish?? bait the fish?? or lure that fish??? what do i do??? give up??? god i don't want to for my lust of a lower nature forbids me to do so. maybe i should take a clinic at my local tackle shop on how to more cleverly deceive the fish! or maybe i should just be straight up with the fish and hope i don 't get slapped. as they say in life, you win some and you lose some!  at any rate if i could find the link between the beginning and the end result....a higgs boson of sorts ( ; maybe i could land this fish and make a clean swift dressing of it's hide in hopes of awakening that lower lust right beneath it's surface. it depends on how attentive and intelligent that fish may be, for that would determine the very nature of its harvest!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

my thoughts on starting a new job, the beastlady and morris island......

today is Sunday. the only reason i know this is because tomorrow is Monday, and tomorrow i start a new job, yes a new job. this job is not just any job it's a shirt and tie wearing, fax-paper slinging and photocopying extravaganza! i hate professionalism. for the word itself carries a meaning that is significantly at odds with the way i live my life. i don't like smiling at people if they don't deserve to be smiled at, i don't like to give somebody a big fat thumbs up and say "i hope you have a wonder full day!", if i don't mean it. I have spent the ladder part of the past 6 months waiting to get this job. the money! the benefits! life will be so much better! what the fuck ever. i am slowly starting to realize that maybe the reasons i got excited about this job in the first place were shallow and delusional. you see i am the type of guy who is just waiting for the next gig to come along that's going to save my life. maybe its a nifty little catchphrase that makes my life tolerable for five minutes or maybe its the next hot "Billy Mays" product that will seemingly make my life a little easier. but it seems now that billy Mays is gone and I'm all out of friends that can shit out a life changing catchphrase, Ive been left to make due by my own resource, this is not fun. at any rate this job that was seemingly going to sweep me right off my little whimsical feet into a world of no problems, ponies, butterflies, etc. is starting to look like a nightmare. reason number one. I have two very large and intimidating black men as my superiors and two, they are not very nice and number three my first ever meeting with these folks, my job was threatened if i didn't preform up to there "extremely high expectations". at this point one of the gentle men had nearly crushed my hand on the first handshake i gave him, and the other leered at me as if he was ready to take out a thousand years of slavery frustration on my hide, i was scared. all in all i felt very welcomed with open arms to my place of employment, even though i was scared i was going to be bullied for my lunch money and had to watch my back for fear of swirlies in the bathroom. I am scared to start my new job and i really wish i didn't have to be, but i am, so whatever. Also this weekend amongst all the fear of the unknown and what not, i ventured out with my friend to a big redneck drunk fest at the lovely "Morris island". if anyone ever reads this they might not know that I am sober, this can get weird sometimes, especially when you throw fat loud obnoxious rednecks into the mix. At any rate i left patriots point yesterday after my nightmare of a meeting with my new "inmate" boss friends, and headed out to Morris island. first we had lunch at the "reel bar" it's spelled r-e-e-l not r-e-a-l, i suppose this is to appease the fat stupid rednecks who fish, eat and drink there, cool right? not so much. at any rate as we walked up to the restaurant my buddies girlfriend had two friends awaiting her arrival, we introduced ourselves and invited them to join us, reluctantly, they did.
one of these ladies was probably in her early forties and was very sexy, she had a chiseled face, busty chest and blue eyes that you could easily get lost in, and i did. the other was a very innocent nice young girl who was finishing her clinical rotations at the local hospital, she was extremely nice and very gentle. disregarding the late arrival of my friends other half we sat there and chatted for a few pleasant moments, i fell in love with this lady with the blue eyes who sat across from me, i have a bad habit of doing that with every girl i meet. nonetheless our time was mutually enjoyed and we shared laughs and a brief moment of escape from our demons. soon there after my friends other half showed up. she was a nice girl who was very free spirited, sarcastic and fun, yet gentle and concerned, i approved. not far behind her tailed this beast of a woman who smelled of whorish undertones and loud outspoken babble, a fragrance that stung the nostrils. she probably weighed more than me and wore less than the minimum of what it would take to cover my body, if you haven't gotten a good enough mental picture yet than I'm sorry, maybe this analogy will help. Think of a drunk female nascar fan, that has a knack for screaming loud offensive things and probably lives in a town called budweiserville and also has an issue with close talking. if that doesn't sum it up I'm not sure what can. at any rate after this beast of a lady showed up and i shrunk down in my chair for fear of embarrassment that i might be seen with her, we took off to the dock and headed to "redneck drunk fest 2011", i actually think there was a banner. anyway, me and my friend took off in his boat shortly after the convoy of beautiful women(plus the beast) left. we were separated, thank god. i mean there was only so much time i could spend being seen with this beast lady and that was nearly exhausted by the time we hit the water. It took me and my friend about twenty minutes to get to this spectacle of drunkenness and loose moralled rednecks with a hankering for loud country music and bud light, i knew when we were close because i had visual confirmation of Sasquatch lady about thirty yards from the shore. people could be seen as far as the eyes could fathom pouring cheap beer down their throats and acting like giant cocks, a real spectacle. noticing that the air was filled with "douchebaggery" i immediately jumped off the boat and sought shelter from the insurgents. i coaxed the only two seemingly normal ladies around to go for a walk, they happened to be the same ladies from the restaurant. we went for a walk and we got to talking about this and that, small talk became medium talk and failed to progress from there.  I felt normal again, my contention with the world slowly started to evaporate. i really liked this lady. she was surprisingly real and nervously funny, she seemed wounded in a sense, later i found out that her husband had recently left her, "cold turkey". what an idiot, after 20 years of marriage i found this unbelievable. At any rate, we walked back to the boat and watched the festivities progress. as more alcohol was consumed the more shameless people got, i found this to be an interesting correlation. We started wrapping up in preparation for departure, thank god. by the time we got back to the dock my friend and his girlfriend jibber jabbered about unimportant details which became the basis for a good old fashioned relationship "turf war". I watched in an amused fashion, while the beast tried to giver her best shot at sweet talking me into coming back to her cave. at this point i was on a finger of the dock in a corner of sorts and she closed talked me to the edge, i had to use my cat like reflexes to dance around her large, obstructious body.  unshaken by my escape she pushed forward towards me, at which point i began to contemplate physical response for fear of my life. she gave up eventually, i think she fell short of breath, i was ducking and dodging this bitch all over the dock, surely if she didn't get the message, she would grow tired eventually and that she did, thank god! in the meantime it seemed as if my friend solved his spat with the lady, by talking over the top of her with not so subtle undertones of self-righteousness. i remember at one point chanting "Jerry, Jerry!", he did not appreciate this too much and he told me to shut up. shortly after, his girlfriend and the beast made there way back to the car from whence they came, and me and my friend, well, we left, thank god! we made our way across the harbor to the boat landing and i could clearly see the look of despair in my friends eyes, this made me grateful to not have a significant other, the power struggles, fights etc. are one thing i did not miss. we pulled up to a landing full of boats and my buddy spotted a  friend, he yelled out his name to get attention. at this point my buddy asked the guy what the deal was with all the boats, were they all in line to exit the water??? he wasn't sure but he offered some pretty heavy wisdom when he said, "whether these people are in line or not, what are you worried about?" we looked at each other unable to come up with a fitting answer, at this time the guy asked us a question. he said, "whats the difference between an ordeal and the average task?" puzzled, i said "shit man, i don't know". He said, "easy!....it's attitude". this was a breath of metaphorical fresh air after all the rednecks and bud light,after hearing this we pressed on to find out that the line of boats weren't in line for haul out, so we grabbed the truck and got the boat out. the day was over, i was relieved. at this point i had big plans for eating copious quantities of cereal and falling asleep. which i did, after a short reflection on the day that i seemingly made into an ordeal, and he was right, the only difference was my attitude.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

the bench

We sat there on this bench, surrounded by trees in a half heartidly tended to "park" off Mary street, wallowing in the rubble of the make believe mess around us. he sat there smoking a "black and mild", the last resort of escape without requiring intoxication. hunchbacked he stared somewhere between the ground and straight ahead. "Im just in so much pain, a zombie paralysed by depression and fear", i could relate, and i knew that it was a matter of time before the itch to seek relief would prevail. I sat there with him a  little bit longer, maybe an hour maybe two. we watched as half sheeted college kids walked in front of us on the sidewalk, they scowled in an unsuspecting fashion, they smelled the soberness. yes, self righteous honesty is tough to miss. All we wanted was an escape, some sort of circumstance or chance happening to turn our black perception on it's head, we realized we were pissing in the wind. after a few failed attempts to convince my cohort that we needed to go to the strip club, the desperation settled over me like a dense fog. sometimes I think of life as some sort of like "bush league" flag football affair, i'm like this big super roided out athlete trying my hardest to keep my flags away from the non-existent ghosts who i think are on the playing field, but here's the thing, nothing or no one for that matter is out to get me. i find it's a pure waste of cardio really. so there we sat running around this empty field,  for all intensive purposes, running away from ourselves. hours before i stood at home prepping my best counter culturally sheek outfit, a white fitted v-neck, a tight pair of my best girl pants and a pair of shoes that could pass as marginally expensive, i was ready to take fear by the horns and wrestle that motherfucker to the ground! so i checked myself in the mirror about thirty separate times before i walked out the door, out of "fear"(shit, and all the talk about horns...and wrestling..). the fasaad was polished, i was ready for some mega cool happenings with society, and i ain't scared! as i pulled the wedgie out of my ass from my too tight jeans. I have to say, if i read about this guy in a book or saw him in public and had a trained eye for bullshit, i would feel awfully sad for him, it's ok "cause i got no self-esteem" as the offspring say. it's amazing the things we will do to suppress our problems, Tight jeans, black and milds and gratuitous female nudity, loads of fun!!! but at the end of the night as we sat on the park bench philosophically managing universal meaning for sake of understanding, i couldn't help but think that despite my fears and despite my friends we knew it was all going to be ok. it was as if we had a choice in the misery, a lag time before we realized that it was our faults. i powered through a half a pack of cigarettes and sat on a bench in some dumpy little "park"  to find out that it was all in my head...surprise...foiled again by the woes of fancied self-sufficiency. the end.   and thanks odacheezy for sharing your company last night.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

sub-terranean homesick alien

walk through the valley always in darkness, light fears you here, emerge from the shadows amongst the lighted array of figurines which inhabit the plastic landscape. an alien of sorts as you emerge outward, people stop and stare but not long, for distraction is there purpose, realizing the present circumstances he hides and cowls from those whom he encounters, like a demon stealing back into the darkness. how may i exist amongst the sleeping world? how will i transcend the eternal slumber which plagues this seemingly ignorant place? these beings speak of purpose, but they speak without substance. an aimless path that leads nowhere, paper exchanging hands as to represent some sort of means by which one is to acquire material composition. competition exists everywhere for this green unsuspectingly poisonous piece of paper. wars are waged people die at the hands of the men painted on them. this place is unlike any world i have ever seen, machines are powered by the feet of egotistical men who roam the streets in a dangerous fashion. The creatures driving them seem as if the shape, size and color define the level of confidence they display, they are seen making gestures of hand to each other when one machine seems to deviate from the other ones equilibrium. what is all this chaos here? why do they create so many things that destroy the very fiber of there existence? In an effort to seemingly unify, they tear apart, they identify problems but implement no solutions, they speak of reason, yet reason seems to have no place in their world. this place is confusing my creator! may i return home to you? i cant seem to find a place in which i feel i am not threatened. i weep for these people my god, yet how can i? they seem enlightened to the nature of consequences, yet the link between them and the actions they take seems to be a total disconnect on all levels. I must go. they are closing in on my position, armed with suits made of ignorance, shoes made of inexperience and flags made of false promises. i must go now my position is compromised, they are waving the paper dawned with men's faces, they soar the skies in ominous flying machines that drop fire across the landscape. they are armed with large battle axes and causes backed by fear and ignorance, they know i am different, this i fear because these creatures  know no world other than their own, please take me back home! I'm riddled with fear! they are bearing down quickly now i see no escape, i fear i will now become a "subterranean homesick alien" always longing to return to my true home.


"subterranean homesick alien" is a non-original quote, originally copyrighted as a song from the band "radiohead".  this notation disbands me from intellectually privatising this quote as my own. ( not that anyone reads this bull shit anyway!)

Saturday, August 13, 2011

for my true playaz.....

it is not wise to double take at a woman, they sense desperation.  It is also never good to look at a women period, for that causes subtle pains of desperation as well. here i was browsing through the ole "tagged" photos and there it is, "the black dress", the look that so many times familiarly stared back into my sad misunderstanding stupid little eyes. here it goes again, another moment she stole out of my life, another grand larceny she will never be tried for. but check it out my freaky fresh nuggets, i reduced my morbid dwelling time down to less than a minute, practice makes positive! dwelling on the past is great but dwelling on the present is better so lets look at the scoreboard for today; blueberry cobbler(check), funky fresh haircut(check) and a keyboard from which i churn out my deepest inner ponderings(Check, and your welcome). i'm just a good ole fashioned american, betty crocker ernest hemmingway ass mo-fo! look out new york times, i'm bout to give you some flavor to savor. i can cook, clean and write the pants off of a three hundred word blog!!! my forebodings are somewhat stilled for now, the lady in the black dress has been wiped out by another, my sweet gianna micheals! (put that in your google and search it!) wait don't, it's porn ): time to go to sleep my fellow surfers and tonight i sleep alone, which someone across town could very well hate me for (: don't worry i do to. and for you gianna, well you will just have to hold your little google search horses for another time because tonight i'm feeling like a portrait of integrity!!!

Friday, August 12, 2011

"research"

Today i'm integrating myself into my fellow blogger community....reading,criticizing,comparing and contrasting, a good ole fashioned english class "literary analysis", if you will. It was prescribed by a google "How to" piece that i start ; reading, criticizing comparing etc. (i like repetition) and if i am ever to become or take myself serious in regards to wrtiting i would have to read somebody else's scribed vomit aside from my own. the purpose of this (as described by google) is to learn how to distinguish between the good, the bad and the ugly of writing, i love a good clint eastwood reference. at any rate, sparked by the ingenious folks at google who write this bullshit that i read i am now motivated to start reading other people's writing other than my own, yes, a selfless act, I know. thanks google!( not just for porn anymore!) I couldn't help think while reading this article how it might be a "novel" (fuck i'm clever) idea to idolize authors who are not named "Hank moody" and play in wonderfully fictitious shows called "Californication". With that thought exercised, i am off to do some nitty gritty, down-right serious research.So wish me luck folks! maybe this will help me deviate from spiritual rants about how fucked up the world is, and how wonderfull it is at the same time. don't count on it though, i'm a pretty angry individual!!! unfortunately for the 0 people who actually follow my blog, this means i will be writing more, which means more vomit, more anger, more uncut action then ever! just like the jerry springer you have to buy off of those late night vice geared commercials!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

a view from the outside, brought to you by mankind, with other contributions from "viewers like you"

Where is my mind?? One day I’m a brutally honest yet sensitive juggernaut and the next I can’t muster up the courage to say, hello humanity! I found I have a general disliking for human interaction, emotion and people who thrive on it. It’s a scary place to be when you are born amongst a sea of your enemies. It seems to me that it should be the other way around, “the more you know, the more you grow” , the experts in philanthropy say. Unfortunately I cant seem to get on board with my fellow lovers of humanity ,I’m to busy fighting the good fight! I still try though, don’t shit yourself. But more often then not I wind up disappointed in the results of my efforts, maybe because I’m just not that kind of guy, maybe my niche lies somewhere between grave morbidity and somewhat uplifting pessimism. I hate to be so drab but I’ve just seen to many things in my short career of life that makes people seem dangerous to me. I don’t like to label myself wise but god damn, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck then it must be humanity! And unfortunately being a stickler for the facts that I am, I cant seem put much faith, trust or reliance upon a race of people that have statistically declined in awareness since the beginning. However I may try characterize my frustrations it simply comes down to one thing, Im just a fucking misfit, Oh! And im jealous! Eternally jealous! Can’t leave that out(That make two things really).


I suppose most unintelligible feeling oriented folks(much like myself) operate out of extreme polar shifts in thought or action. As most people with fear of rejection or past history of rejection, I rebel from that source of rejection. This is apropos in a sense that my life on the outside is a direct result of being rejected from the inside. When I found myself unselectively cast out of the inner, I had to embrace the outer. Fortunately for me my forced entry into the outer limits helped me truly find my place, instead of having to act like I was in it. This was refreshing after many years of whoring my integrity out like a skid row crack whore just to fit in. But it seems now I find myself in a whole nother existential crisis, it’s getting lonely out here! Sometimes I find that my truth of being separates me from the rest of the world, my eclectic taste for intolerance drives me away from most ,And I can only take so many hostages, I mean even that loses it’s luster after awhile. it becomes tough sometimes. When I need to reach out for help, will my “books and my poetry” really protect me? Or will I need you annoying bastards to help me out? This is tough. I suppose I will need to be rejected back into my place again, forced to evolve and find a new perspective, a “one size fits all” if you will. But naturally I prefer to wear magnums so already I take issue with this philosophy. One of these days I will not worry about these things, I’ll have a whole new set of problems I have conceptualized and a whole new set of ideas on how to combat them! What a fucking joke. Until then maybe I should just go with the flow and transfer energy naturally, waves don’t generally move in the direction from which they originate, maybe I should take a lesson from the physicists! I know the line I need to walk, honestly it’s not the blurry, I think it’s more frustrating to know I am the one with the fucked up vision, so I’ll make like my friends “foster the people”, pump up my kicks and run faster than my bullets! Because I have a history of shooting myself in the foot.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

"Simple"

I sat at work today enamored with a dog, this dog helped me learn a valuable lesson about life. As I sat back in my office I watched this dog prance and play as if bondage was non existent. This placid and gentle creature moved as if freedom necessitated his very existence, the absence of it, an unbearable incubus impossible to fathom. I watched simplicity radiate from the animals spirit, for a few minutes I could not help but watch this creature in amazement. I watched him destroy a seemingly defenseless PowerAde bottle in a matter of seconds caring little who was watching or what was around. I found myself thinking as we all gathered around this office watching “Dixie” play, how engaged everyone was. It was as if time stopped, and all I could think of is how free and amazing this creature was, I was envious. I found myself wondering how people would perceive me if I gnawed a PowerAde bottle to pieces in public, I can tell you envy would have little do with that perception. It seems as if we are all so fascinated with simplicity, I couldn’t help but wonder why as I saw “Dixie” dive and slide headfirst across the floor in hot pursuit of the PowerAde bottle. Today I saw eyes that longed for this sort of simplicity and I saw them in the mirror. I would love to write about how everyone else could learn a lesson from this creature and exclude myself but that would be a false endeavor to undertake. I long so much to have a simple understandable existence, it pains me. I often go throughout the day acting and reacting do assorted stimuli trying to make sense of all of it, only to fall short all the time. Life makes absolutely no sense to me most of the time. I remember as a child I used to love looking out the windows of airplanes, for one I loved looking down on people! But one of the things that stuck out in my memory is watching from above a big cluster and jumbled up bunch of people going in a million different directions, freeways looked like huge arteries spanning across the landscape, peppered with automobiles, inter alia. I watched from the sky above with equivocal awe, I could not believe what I was seeing. Nowadays I can imagine a million people on I-5 at 5:30 frustrated and antagonized by one-another, in such a hurry to get home that the very existence of their own lives seems intolerable. But just above there is a little boy with a higher perspective, full of wonder, he see’s what they do not. In the sky he is not limited to seeing only what is around him, but he can see a vast landscape as far as his brain will allow him. It is the height of his perspective which changes everything, 3 hours ago he was riding in the back of his fathers ford aero star complaining about how hungry and how bored he was, only to find hours later he gazed upon a reality inconceivably manifested from the same world he was once dissatisfied with. Forced by limited perspective, it is natural to concentrate only on the bad, but it is with a higher state of functioning consciousness we are able to see the true nature of our being. I believe we are all meant to be simple, free and uninhibited; kids fascinated staring out the window’s of airplanes, screaming out loud in public to defy the constructs of normalcy. These things make us free, this is our world and it is shaped by the characterization we give it, unfortunately in a world of complicated attachments it is an anomalous happening. I found today that I am so amazed with simplicity, watching this dog almost prompted me to drop my human clothing, roll around on the floor and join. I want so much to be apart of the simple energy that lies just below the surface of our complicated human epidermis. Sometimes I feel like I am walking through an endless cornfield obscured by tall stalks making it impossible to see a clearing, sometimes I feel like there is so much shit to wade through to discover the truth that it seems pointless to continue on. But every once in awhile I will stumble upon a clearing that reveals the true and utter simplicity of my existence and faith is restored, then I can move and manipulate myself seamlessly without boundaries. I think we all long for a simpler life. But it seems that we are too far gone, caught up in human affairs which drive us further and further away from what are soul craves. It seems the best we can hope for is days when we enter those little clearings, free from all the bullshit, the moments we see without distortion, moments when our breath is forcefully ripped from our lungs. THIS IS WHAT WE LIVE FOR. Thank you “Dixie” for doing this for me today.