Friday, February 11, 2011
I am so scared i don't know it. It is typical of me to dodge people, places and things in order to escape some sort of fear that i have about myself, but what happens when your scared but you don't know it??? i laugh, cry, fear,think, and act as if everything were normal. Everything is seemingly the same except for one distinct difference in my thoughts and my actions, the overwhelmingly analytical concern for what i am doing. i must remember, to "do" instead of think about what "do" means. 10 times out of 10 i never figure out anyway and as a result of my pursuit of the answer i do not need to look for, i find it was right there all along, perfect, silent and patient waiting for me to utilize it. i often get so scared and i don't know why....but not once did i ever stop to consider that there is nothing to fear.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
You've haunted my halls for such a long time it's unbelievable. i have seen the true colors you present to me time and time again and still i make myself believe you are blue when you really are black. i can't save the memory of the person that i thought you were. It's finally time to say good bye, i will always care but not in the way i thought i did. looking back you were just another move on my grand chessboard of life. I listen to your siren and it sounds the same, your pitch is different but the song remains the same. i cannot help but feel sorry for you and your need for validation through material and capitalistic driven ideals, The job, The house, The man. what about happiness??? the hole has not been filled but has changed face and shape in order to make it easier to deceive yourself and others. i am so grateful i have seen the truth shine so brightly in my life that it is impossible to see any reason in the bondage in which you live today, i choose to take no part, i chose life, i chose freedom, i chose me. you will no longer haunt my halls, i once cried in agony over the destruction your apparition spirit left behind, but now i know, that is all you are.......a ghost....a nothing....a non-entity...fear...security...you hold a place in my heart but never will you haunt my halls like i let you before. i cast your ghost out, remove yourself from my halls!!!!! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME ANYMORE!!!! give me back my spirit, my hope and retract your grips on my soul.....i will smile as you take your new place in the world, your spirit returns to its dwelling, it's true nature of home. i will smile when you smile, but i will weep in gratitude silently knowing that i had no place in the rearrangement of your kingdom.
i consistently doubt myself in all facets of my life. this world is so geared toward polar extremes that i find myself incapable of being ok with what and who i am. you have your rich and your poor, your depressives and your happy delusionals, somewhere in the middle of these extremes lies the truth. don't ask me where to find it, for that is a question you must ask yourself, where is the middle??? where is my truth?? how can i be a part of the whole?? how can i propagate true happiness out of subjective and objective misery, it's the objective thats the hardest...try being easy on yourself, go ahead and try..there is a reason that a wise man once said "we are our own worst critic". whether or not you fall into more or the lesser of these polar evils, let's pop the question, WHAT IS REALLY WRONG WITH ME? because remember it's our choice to be mad not anyone elses and we will be only as succesfull as we truly want to be.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
rain falls like trucks. when everything is going well in my little perfect world i am willing to understand, comprehend and even help you "other people" out, but let rain fall from the sky and watch me weave in and out of the droplets. it's funny how i try to run from the rain when it comes, i know it's coming and i always get wet, yet i still think I can dodge it. what is this game all about?? why does it seem that i always run from the rain??? seems i should embrace it, being that sunshine generally parts the clouds. but i'm too stubborn, too scared and too dramatic, i would much rather waste time being angry at the indefinency of the moment. I get angry at people, principles and people(lol, namely me)all in hopes that my raw emotionalism will bring about an answer (it never does btw) when i could be thinking about what i could contribute to the picture as a whole. why is it we must always try and paint the picture a different color??? my paintbrush never works, i generally end up destroying a masterpiece that needed no extra attention. I always think somehow, someway my picture will turn out different this time, the same old colors that i paint with will take on new meaning, or the angle at which the light reflects on the colors will change it's inner essence, or the always classic, "maybe i should go somewhere else and paint". i will try all these things in my life to paint the perfect picture only to realize i never had to pick up the brush in the first place. so when it rains in eutopia and your colors seem to dull and the artistic flair of the world does not seem so prevalent, try and realize that reality is not a portrait, it is not permanently fixed on a canvas, life is consistently altered and always changing but the one consistentcy of it all is the rain. it will rain and when it rains it pours and when it pours we run and when we run we find ourselves at the end of a circle that begun with you and ends with you and you only. headlights, steel, friction, impact and pain. don't let the rain fall like a truck embrace it. because it cares little whether you want to or not.